C H A M P A G N E R O O M
Suck a Cock Martha Stewart I Own You Bitch!
Typically,
a room full of women and dildos would resemble something out of a
horror movie starring Rosie O'Donnell a.k.a my worst nightmare. This
time, however, it was my friend Gabby's bachelorette party. But before
the dildos came out I think that it is important to mention the events
that proceeded the vibrating wonderland that came toward the end of the
night. (Pun always intended).
It all started the night before this surprise bach
party, i being the questionably helpful and permanently perverted,
bridesmaid that I am decided to make a special treat for everyone on
the following night. And after coming across a rather appealing looking
penis cookie cutter at Spencers, the decision was clear. Seeing as
cooking rather than baking is the extent of my domestic qualifications,
I had to recruit Jane to be my partner in the Betty Crocker Penile
Mission. Jane is quite an excellent baker, also she was in charge of
making sure the cookies remained weed-less, seeing as I always have an
overwhelming desire to add a little weed to all my baked goods. Luckily
for her however, I forbade myself from carbs months ago and didn't put
up much of a fight.
One thing was for damn sure though, I was certainly not
venturing into the world of baking sober! And if weed was not an option
I'd have to turn to and old and always reliable friend: booze. After
much deliberation about which alcoholic beverage I would chose to
accompany the phallic bake off, I decided on a bottle of
As Jane and I got increasingly tipsier the cookie making
process reached the difficulty level of an intricate calculus problem.
Heads were coming off, balls were misplace, several were lost
completely! It looked like an unfortunate explosion erupted at a gay
porn shoot and these were the remains. My voice resonated through the
kitchen in utter distress...
"Shit shit shit Jane! I think I castrated this one!...again."
"Fuck! I think I just made a chode!!! Omg you know how much I despise chodes Jane!"
This went on for what seemed like an eternity. However,
after a long, grueling process, and cookie dough in places I would
rather not discuss, it was time to stick the batch in the oven. As I
threw the tray in there, I took a second to catch my breath and quickly
replenished our drinks. It was my rather pathetic attempt of staying
hydrated,
About ten minutes later, Jane skips into the kitchen to
check on the status of the cookies. After opening and closing the
oven...she lays down on the floor in fits of laughter. After briefly
pushing regrets of giving her that 4th glass of champagne, out of my
mind I go to investigate the situation myself. As I open the oven door
my gaze focuses on the tray full of penises that expanded to three
times their original size!
"Holly shit! Our cocks cockies developed elephantiasis!"
I announced in sheer shock. "All that work was for nothing?! What are
we going to do??!!" I asked Jane as I started cradling the champagne
bottle and rocking back and forth in the corner.
"It's ok I got this!" Jane confidently announced as she peeled herself off the floor.
"The cookies are still soft, we can re-cut them with the
cookie cutter right after we take them out of the oven!" She proudly
announced. Truly impressed with her cockie saving skills, I decided to
assist her in the procedure.
Three burnt fingers later, we were on to decorating the
cockies. While I was failing miserably with the pink icing, creating
something that wouldn't be up to par for a pre school craft project;
Jane was now retardedly drunk and busy putting chocolate pubes on every
ball sack in her sight. Great. In the end the only respectable looking
shlong was the one covered in chocolate icing (the black one)... how
ironically true to life.
After we finished the job, I quickly drifted off that
night from sheer exhaustion. As I fell into a deep sleep I had dreams
of my own baking show, where I would educate the world on the benefits
and dangers of drinking and baking. I would introduce the new fad of
Cockies, and school Martha Stewart at her own craft! Around
"Suck it Martha!" Startled I rubbed my eyes and began
regaining some memories of the previous night as I examined burns on my
fingers. I then quicklyjoggged into the kitchen only to be met by a
tray that was unlike anything I've ever seen before. It looked like our
already strangely shaped sugar cockies have been assaulted and raped by
a barrage of icing and sprinkles. Quite the retarded batch of rejects.
While continuing to examine them and the empty bottles of booze surrounding the scene my phone rang, it was Cheeha.
"Hey what's up? What did you end up doing last night?"
"Uhhh well, Jane and I made some peeenis cookies for
Gabby's bachelorette party today." I answered in a slight haze. (Some
call that haze a hangover, I call it evidence of a job well done)
"Haha, well how do they look?" Cheeha inquired further.
Not really sure that I could find a word in the English
language to describe the scene in front of my eyes, I took a minute to
answer... "Ummm well, I'm uhh going to go with whimsical. They look
whimsical." I finally answered.
"Haha I can't wait."
Little did I know this batch wouldn't even be the most
disturbing penis-resembling thing I saw that day. The events to follow
surpassed the cockies by far....
To be continued
Strippers and Sex Toy Parties Make Me Feel
Like a Kid on XMAS morning
"Wow this is really good! Are you a bartender?" One of the girls
inquired. "No, I just drink a lot," I replied. To which she
immediately giggled as if it were a joke, I continued to gaze at her with a
completely straight face until she uncomfortably shuffled away and let me be
with my bottled friends.
Actually, I briefly considered becoming a bar tender just a few moths ago.
However, after much consideration I came to the conclusion that I fare better
on the other side of things. And by 'things' I of course mean bar.
Several drinks later, the group and I wait in
anticipation for Gabby to show up for the party. As she walks in the doorway
the girls collectively yell "SURPRISE!!!!" I, as usual, have a
delayed reaction and throw a cup of vodka at her that I had prepared earlier.
That's how I show love.
Several minutes later a 'cop' mysteriously
arrives at the door searching for Gabby. Hoping to God that this was actually a
stripper, I waited in anticipation. Yes, once I made the unfortunate mistake of
assuming an actual real live cop was in fact a stripper. Needless to say he did
not want to take it off nor was he a dirty dirty boy. Never again.
Officer G String strolled into the living
room area where I stood tonguing a cup of Sangria. Upon laying eyes on him I
almost spat up. "Was this one on sale or something? Did they find him in
the Clearance section?!" I mumbled into the napkin I was using to wipe
myself down, after the Sangria shower his appearance triggered.
Upon further investigation however, and after he took off his clothes I noticed
he wasn't nearly as bad as I had originally thought. And to be perfectly honest
I was just rather spoiled after my first ever male stripper experience. After
watching the show that 3 gorgeous strippers put on, I was placed into the hot
seat. Against my will. Call me crazy but men decked out in panties don't quite
do it for me. Also I don't appreciate just how unrealistically stuffed these
panties are. His head was bobbing off each knee cap as he made his way on top
of me. However, all negative things put aside, I decided to make the best of
things and go along with it. In the end I ended up enjoying myself immensely.
That is until, the best-looking one of the bunch did something so incredibly
obscene and offensive to me that I was left in complete shock. He spoke.
"So baby, you having a good night?"
he asked while swinging his g-string that was stuffed harder than a turkey on
Thanksgiving diner in my face.
With a look of sheer horror and disgust on my
face, I answer," Uhh I'm sorry do they pay you to talk??"
I wish that Gabby had the stripper that I had...
with an added muzzle feature of course. However, she didn't seem bothered at
all that Officer Pasty-Poker had quite an albino resembling complexion. He was
doing a great job, and Gabby was enjoying sitting on his lap in true Santa
style. Fuck, if Santa looked like that, I might venture into the mall around
Christmas time more often myself.
A can of whipped cream, 2 motorboats, and 3
body shots later, Officer Pasty Poker was off to assault other unsuspecting
brides with his ball sack.
After his departure the night continued with
a sex toy party. Score. I was in the market for a new vibrator and certainly
all ears for this one! Jen, the saleswoman, had just about every accessory
under the sun associated with porking others or poking at yourself packed into
5 jumbo suitcases. As soon as I heard the wheels of her luggage clicking on the
hardwood as she was rolling it into the room, I knew this was the beginning of
a long and dildo-full relationship. Jen and I would end up being best friends
whether she like it or not.
Before Jen led us into the world of high tech
gadgets, she had a plethora of other products to share. The different kinds of
creams stood out the most because she actually let us try all of them. Well I
say all of them with the exception of the coochie tightener. Yes apparently
there is a cream that can be injected in your glory hole that takes you back
Madonna style: JUST LIKE A VIRGIN! Hmmm well I'm in no need of this anytime
soon due to my grueling keigel workouts, but I made a brief mental note to send
an email to the Octomom. Then there was also the exception of trying the
"Anal Ease" thankfully. I love my friends but the sight of them
sticking just about anything in their assholes would have made me contemplate
poking my eyes out with the tray of Cockies. I breathed a sigh of relief when
she moved on to the next product.
"Ok ladies this cream is used to arouse
your nipples and on top of that, it's flavored!!! I'm going to dab some on
these q-tips and pass them around right now for all of you to try!"
"Your so thoughtful Jen, i am truly
touched by your concern for my nipples," I thought adoringly as I snatched
the q-tip from her hand. Although I was always excited to rub just about
anything on my nipples. I couldn't help but wonder how much this cream will
actually work on my headlights which are already in high beam mode 90% of the
time...I hope they don't go all incredible Hulk on me and turn green. With my
focus off the task at hand with this rather concerning thought process, I was surprised
to notice that I made a slight faux pas during the application process. Instead
of portioning it correctly and spreading the cream on both nipples, I managed
to get just the left one. Fuck me!
"Shit I only got the left one," I
loudly whispered to Cheeha as she struggled to wrestle her tities inside her
bra.
Always supportive, she replied with a
chuckle,"hahaha that sucks!' as she finished buttering her own nipples.
Little did she know, karma was going to sucker punch her soon enough.
Two minutes later, Jen went on to explaining
her next product while I sat listening with one incredibly tingly nipple. The
entire left side of my body was feeling freaky while the right could not have
been less amused. Quite an awkward sensation. While giving the right side of my
body a quick pep talk, I suddenly feel a jab from Cheeha.
"Elina! Elina! Elina!" she
whispered loudly.
"What?" I asked as I got caught off guard by her fire engine red
face.
"Elina, it buuuurns!!!! Oh my God it
burns!!! It burns soo bad! Like fiiire!!! What should I do?!"
I listened carefully and reacted to her plea
the only way I know how. Hysterical laughter. I wasn't quite sure what she
expected me to do in this situation. And something tells me she wouldn't find a
call to the fire department as humorous or helpful as I do. With my options
dwindling, I tossed Jalapeno Nips a cocktail napkin and wished her the best.
By the time my left nipple settled down a bit
Jen moved onto one of my personal favorites: the sex swing. She only had one
with her, and a few of the girls almost got into a fist fight over it. Where's
the mud wrestling ring when you need it?! I wasn't sold on this flimsy looking
one however. When I invest in one I'd want top of the line and settle for
nothing less. If I was fucking in a sex swing it was going to be some Cirque De
Solei shit and I needed the proper support. Luckily, all knowing Jen informed
us all of a more intricate and sturdy sex swing which screws directly into the
ceiling. The only downside being that although the swing can be detached, the
attachment itself is permanent. This will most definitely elicit some questions
from any house guests that stop by. I took note of this swing for the future
deciding that plastering a ficus to the ceiling of my living room will do just
fine seeing as my vibrator ceiling fan would keep me from being featured in
Home&Garden anyways.
Finally it was time for the next cream, this
one was to be applied down in our south Florida regions rather than our nips. I
followed the rest of the girls and formed a line at the bathroom. Cheeha
quickly passed everyone to the front of the line, impressed by her bravery
after the Jalapeno Nips incident I let it slide. Jen had instructed us to place
the lotion on the "clitoris." Never one to to pass up a
"Forgetting Sarah Marshall" quote opportunity I announced "I'm
off to find the mythical clitoris!" as I slammed the door to the bathroom.
Upon coming out each one of the girls has the same exact reaction...
"Yeah, I don't know that I really feel
anythinggg...OH SWEET JESUS!"
Every single woman at the party that tried
the clit cream was now good and ready to saddle the next dick in sight just, as
Jen took out her collection of vibrators. Smart move Jen. Smart move.
Each vibrator was fancier than the next. resembling a spaceship of sorts, the
remote had more buttons than a airplane cockpit. I think one might have even
had a microwave attached to it. The decision was a hard one, and in the end I
picked a hard one.
I was tempted to purchase one of everything,
fuck I would have gladly walked out of there with one of those suitcases. But
that would just be absolutely ridiculous though... I'll just harass Jen's
website and buy in bulk online. With any luck my vibrating underwear will come
in before the wedding day.
