N O C U D D L I N G I N T H E
C H A M P A G N E R O O M
C H A M P A G N E R O O M
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6
Grapes of Elina
So as you know, I have this chubby friend, well actually she is more like obese. She is well aware of it and although I know it is cruel inhumane and unnecessary I can not stop making fun of her. Many a times while torturing my best friend Cheeha, I have offered up the image of Shamoo jumping up and down on a trampoline naked much to her horror. I picture her naked much like they draw Peter naked on Family Guy. All the private parts nicely hidden by the mounds of flab. More importantly Shamoo has channeled into my fascination of enormous women dating tiny tiny men. Not only skinny men but the really short ones as well.
Short guys, personally, creep me out because they look like grown men stuck in a 12 year old's body, and well that thought I'd assume would only be appealing to the likes of Michel Jackson. Many a time have I tried to hook up Shamoo with a little man for my own sick amusement. Yes once I even thought how great it would be to have a hidden camera document their love making. Not for my own personal pleasure but simply for documentary purposes. I would simply like to know how this would work. Does he have to go from the back? Does he balance one top of her like an acrobat? How long can he take her sitting on him before he stops breathing? These are all very legitimate questions I think the whole world would like answered. Not to mention I think that footage would far surpass anything that has graced youtube. So now I have this extensive list of things I would like to observe the girl do. I mean nothing beats the grace of an obese person. There's a certain waddle, a certain dominance, the heavy breathing, I find it all to be truly fascinating. 1) have sex with a very small man possibly even a midget if I can find one. 2) Eat with her hands 3) Bike ride 4) Belly dance 5) Walk 6) Run 7)Tap dance 8) Swim (swimming cap and speedo bathing suit implied) 9) skateboard 10) do yoga. Yes I am tempted to hire her to do all these things for my own personal amusement.
However most recently,I have found a man that will perhaps become her life partner. He happens to work in Jane's office and has the same waddle! He's geeky and slightly virginesque. But I think that they will be absolute perfection for each other. When me and Jane came to this conclusion we were equally excited, in fact she almost pissed herself and i almost came right on the spot. I was particularly excited for this transaction because of what Cheeha told me a few weeks earlier. As a Jew, if I hook up two people and they get hitched its a mitzvah. And well due to my current lifestyle I can use all the help I can get. So here I am on the edge of a real live mitzvah! However i then had to consider that as a new Jew, Jane might want in on the action as well, so I decided we go halfzies in on the mitzvah. As a new jew I suppose she should build up her mitzvahs too. Jane only recently became a Jew when she decided to bring tea to school and heat it up in the old microwave, which has a permanent Chinese stank, in order to save the 2 dollars on the tea in the cafeteria. This resourceful cheapness was even amazing to me and I instantly proclaimed her Jew right on the spot! She's lucky she's female, otherwise there would have been a really uncomfortable circumcision for us all in the middle of our college campus. And although I am not religious myself I feel like I have to do the Jew thing every now and then. This is when I consult my best friend Cheeha for all things Jew. She grew up going to a Jewish school and doesn't remember much, but afterall its more than I know. I mean all those years of having to wear long skirts to school all the time instilled something I'm sure. She taught me how some of the more badass or 'orthodox' Jews have sex through sheets and pre- rip their toilet paper before Sabbath. Its all crazy shit I would not like to venture into for the sake of dying a good Jewish girl, but every now and then I like to do a little something something that's less radical. For example hook up two fat Jews, wear my Jewish star, celebrate the holidays, spend my Hanukkah money, and pick up some loose change off the sidewalk on occasion. I mostly think to do these things after I have one of my drinking sprees...almost balances things out a little bit.
Ultimately, I might have to step up my game even more considering I might end up not marrying a Jew. Its not that I don't like the Jews... its that I enjoy Christmas. I want to celebrate Christmas. I want the tree I want the family dinner and I want the gifts. It is just not my preference to be stuck in a Chinese restaurant on Christ's birthday. I want to spend this day eating and drinking eggnog like everyone else. Mostly drinking, all of those minus all of those hideous Christmas sweaters of course, perhaps one of the uglier Christmas inventions. Note to self: pitch a Christmas Sweater of Mrs. Clause getting gang banged by Santa and his reindeer, now that I'd probably wear.
Short guys, personally, creep me out because they look like grown men stuck in a 12 year old's body, and well that thought I'd assume would only be appealing to the likes of Michel Jackson. Many a time have I tried to hook up Shamoo with a little man for my own sick amusement. Yes once I even thought how great it would be to have a hidden camera document their love making. Not for my own personal pleasure but simply for documentary purposes. I would simply like to know how this would work. Does he have to go from the back? Does he balance one top of her like an acrobat? How long can he take her sitting on him before he stops breathing? These are all very legitimate questions I think the whole world would like answered. Not to mention I think that footage would far surpass anything that has graced youtube. So now I have this extensive list of things I would like to observe the girl do. I mean nothing beats the grace of an obese person. There's a certain waddle, a certain dominance, the heavy breathing, I find it all to be truly fascinating. 1) have sex with a very small man possibly even a midget if I can find one. 2) Eat with her hands 3) Bike ride 4) Belly dance 5) Walk 6) Run 7)Tap dance 8) Swim (swimming cap and speedo bathing suit implied) 9) skateboard 10) do yoga. Yes I am tempted to hire her to do all these things for my own personal amusement.
However most recently,I have found a man that will perhaps become her life partner. He happens to work in Jane's office and has the same waddle! He's geeky and slightly virginesque. But I think that they will be absolute perfection for each other. When me and Jane came to this conclusion we were equally excited, in fact she almost pissed herself and i almost came right on the spot. I was particularly excited for this transaction because of what Cheeha told me a few weeks earlier. As a Jew, if I hook up two people and they get hitched its a mitzvah. And well due to my current lifestyle I can use all the help I can get. So here I am on the edge of a real live mitzvah! However i then had to consider that as a new Jew, Jane might want in on the action as well, so I decided we go halfzies in on the mitzvah. As a new jew I suppose she should build up her mitzvahs too. Jane only recently became a Jew when she decided to bring tea to school and heat it up in the old microwave, which has a permanent Chinese stank, in order to save the 2 dollars on the tea in the cafeteria. This resourceful cheapness was even amazing to me and I instantly proclaimed her Jew right on the spot! She's lucky she's female, otherwise there would have been a really uncomfortable circumcision for us all in the middle of our college campus. And although I am not religious myself I feel like I have to do the Jew thing every now and then. This is when I consult my best friend Cheeha for all things Jew. She grew up going to a Jewish school and doesn't remember much, but afterall its more than I know. I mean all those years of having to wear long skirts to school all the time instilled something I'm sure. She taught me how some of the more badass or 'orthodox' Jews have sex through sheets and pre- rip their toilet paper before Sabbath. Its all crazy shit I would not like to venture into for the sake of dying a good Jewish girl, but every now and then I like to do a little something something that's less radical. For example hook up two fat Jews, wear my Jewish star, celebrate the holidays, spend my Hanukkah money, and pick up some loose change off the sidewalk on occasion. I mostly think to do these things after I have one of my drinking sprees...almost balances things out a little bit.
Ultimately, I might have to step up my game even more considering I might end up not marrying a Jew. Its not that I don't like the Jews... its that I enjoy Christmas. I want to celebrate Christmas. I want the tree I want the family dinner and I want the gifts. It is just not my preference to be stuck in a Chinese restaurant on Christ's birthday. I want to spend this day eating and drinking eggnog like everyone else. Mostly drinking, all of those minus all of those hideous Christmas sweaters of course, perhaps one of the uglier Christmas inventions. Note to self: pitch a Christmas Sweater of Mrs. Clause getting gang banged by Santa and his reindeer, now that I'd probably wear.
