C H A M P A G N E R O O M
Because I am Still Two Implants Short of Becoming a Trophy Wife
My attention span can, on many occasions, rival that of six-year-old boy with ADD, mild Tourette’s, and diarrhea. This, paired with the fact that my sense of humor can often compare to that of a pre-pubescent boy can prove to be quite problematic. My mind is constantly wandering, and mostly in what seems to be the wrong direction. When I'm not contemplating whether it's Pinot Grigio or Patron that I'd like to cap my night off with, I tend to get creative and slightly shitfaced (but that's neither here nor there). During these alcohol-induced brainstorming sessions, I have thought of several bizarre theories and ideas on life and my, ahem, bright(?) future. Over the years, I have accumulated business ideas I would venture into if I were granted an Oprah amount of money, and if the
1) Most recently, I was alarmed by the vast number of people who are on dating sites. The idea of finding any decent cock in this way perplexes me; I insist on checking out the goods before I chat with them, but that's just me and my incredibly high penis standards. But enough about sword play for now. I must admit, JDate was perhaps the most alarming of all the dating sites. The first and foremost problem is the fact that there is a website out there for Jews that is NOT free. How Shlomo or Moisha pay out of pocket to look at women and aren't even guaranteed a happy ending is beyond me. (And of course I mean "happy ending" in every sense of the phrase.) As my concern rose for the dwindling Jew population, I quickly appointed myself the new Moses and decided to lead my single people to MY dating website... FindaJew.com! I would be the ruler of these single Jews and pair them up as I see fit. The good-looking ones would be with the other three good looking ones. The uglies would mingle among the fuglies. And the fatties will be in a category of their own altogether! They would listen to my advice on good etiquette: what to say, what to do, and how to give great head. All of this tough love would be free and out of the goodness of my vodka-filled heart. All I would ask in return is that, when they find the Jew of their wet dreams, they do two things:
1) Display a life-sized cardboard cut-out of me at their wedding. Preferably somewhere near the cake – front and center. (I should also mention that I will be completely nude in the cut-out holding two thumbs up.)
2) Name their first three children after me: boys and girls, no exceptions.
The following words of wisdom will be posted on the website as well. Why? Because I'm a giver!
For the Ladies:
If you’re lonely and kinda shy,
Come to FindaJew for the perfect guy.
Cheer up because after you give that upper lip a wax,
I'll have you marry a chiropractor named Max!
For the Men:
If your willy is lonesome, and it makes you sad,
Log on to FindaJew and get your ass glad.
Find a nice girl; you won't get played.
You can stop beating off every day and get laid!
For Everyone:
Are you fat and kinda fugly?
Can't find someone to get you all snuggly?
Don't fret, as long as you’re a Jew,
I have someone just as unattractive for you!
Get married and bump uglies; don't be tamed.
No worries, your first three kids are already named!
In search of some cock or a handful of titty?
I'll help you find someone in your own city.
I will set you up on lovely Jew dates,
Find you all fertile Jew mates.
Guys will be very well-fed
And girls will be trained to give very good head!
Women, you'll get everything you visualized,
Most importantly, your man will be circumcised!
2) I constantly want to one-up Angelina Jolie. Seeing as my acting career only extends to faking orgasms on occasion, there is only one way to beat the bitch: I have devised a plan to adopt a foreign child from every country! They will be all colors of the rainbow, but all the same age. I will house them, love them, feed them, educate them, and perhaps start a small sweat shop in my basement. All of this, however, is only mildly significant. More importantly, I will include them in my business plan. When they all hit the age of six, we will have one big photo shoot. In the photo, they will be lying around in a circle holding hands. Yes, I will use my many children to manufacture and sell "We Are the World” posters After I am done with that, I will gladly FEDEX all of their asses over to Angie and Brad just in time for Christmas.
3) I had a brief desire to run for President. I would have the slogan "There's no problem a good blow job can't solve!" I stand by my political beliefs.
4) A couple of years ago on Halloween (better known as the dress-like-a-stripper holiday), I attended a party as a "sexy" cop. My outfit came customized with "Hottie Police" written all over it. Needless to say, I went on a power trip. I cuffed every single person in the bar and insisted on strip searching the attractive ones. I might have a vague memory of a cavity search, but I'm not sure, although I was walking kind of funny the next day... Anyway, everyone did as I said; I was on top of the world. While slightly intoxicated and driving home, I was hit with the realization that I am, in fact, the owner of a white car and that, if I got customized "Hottie Police" stickers and a siren, would allow me to be Philly's one and only freelance cop! I'd drive around and stop anyone I felt like fucking or fucking with… Particularly attractive men; I’d cuff them and proceed to conduct my personalized breathalizer tests.
5) Last but not least is an idea that came to me during a summer when I told everyone I met that I hooked for a living. I got to thinking about where I would hook, and felt quite limited to street corners and alleyways; knee pads can only suffice for so long. This led me to the most innovative idea the
Is your girl just not putting out?
We know what that shit's all about.
Need a bitch who doesn't yap?
Doesn't care if you’re a loser or a sap?
Won't make you cuddle all night long?
Or care whether you are weak or strong?
Drive down here and pick a HO.
We're at your service at the Cum N Go!
Madam Moses President Officer Mother Elina... Why? Because I care, and because I am most likely drunk right now.
