N O C U D D L I N G I N T H E
C H A M P A G N E R O O M
C H A M P A G N E R O O M
Your Subtitle text
9
"Angles and Demons and Elina"
Just last night I went to get a drink with my friend Jane. Most people either pin us as sisters or lesbian lovers. However there have been a few drunk homeless men that have pinned us for both (God bless them).
This might have something do to with the fact that as a joke she's always grabbing at my tits and crotch, but whats a quick fingering between friends? Jane like all of my friends is very attractive. Seeing as I absolutely refuse to be friends with ugly people it only makes sense that my closest friends ( or people i am seen with the most) are quite pretty. After all I don't like to subjugate myself to staring at fugly people all day long. So seeing as she is easy on the eyes she constantly has a boyfriend.
So as she brings along the flavor of the week (which I approve of highly) he insisted on inviting a friend. This friend would of course be implied for me seeing as I am in current search of a good fucking. This is when my evening took an unfortunate turn.
After downing my first martini I was feeling good enjoying my night, getting sexually assaulted by Jane. All was well, and as it should be. Then all of this sudden this mystery man walks into my world, upon seeing him I know that God is testing me.
I wonder how long i can remain polite and open and friendly with someone that looks like an unintentionally devout virgin. I promptly ordered another drink and gave myself 2 1/2 minutes. This was wishful thinking considering my current record tops off at 37 seconds.
As he began to talk to me I realized that i have found my victim for the night. His new nickname was Homofab. As he began to talk , or rather than talk I'd like to call it a linguistic orgasm,I heard a slight Russian accent which was expected...what amused me was the hint of a Swedish accent mixed in there as well. It was reminiscent of Martin Short's accent in Father of the Bride but even gayer. Considering he is 100% Russian, it was quite surprising and vastly entertaining.
After he was done asking me the typical polite questions and downed his third drink, Homofab decided to ask what it was that I was sipping on. I answered "apple martini" with a sound of great adoration I only reserve for when I speak of alcoholic beverages.
Suddenly his arms flail up in a homosexual like panic and he exclaims in his retarded accent,
" OOO APPLE MARTINI! HOW SEXY!!"
I have never even heard a gay guy refer to my drink as being sexy much less a self proclaimed straight one, and after holding down my laughter by thinking of the Holocaust I bravely inquired into how a martini can be considered sexy. With his arms still resembling those of a horny chimp, he proceeded to explain..
" Vell Ya Know Zat Ven giirl drrinks ze apple martini men zink oh its like ze cosmopolitan vich iz like sex and ze city and ve rrright avay zink SEX SEX SEX!"
This train of logic partially horrified me because no man should be this sex and the city savvy, and partially because any man that looks at a woman's drink and thinks 'sex' should be automatically strip searched for roofies. And although I was having some serious doubts about Homofab's sexual preferences his constant clawing at my tits and persistence of taking pictures with me left me in a cloud of confusion. Is he gay? Is he straight? Is he Swedish? I just don't know!!!!!.
The only thing I was sure of was that he was a virgin, something that was confirmed when he later told me..
" I decided tooday zat I vill eizer get drrunk or get laid, I zink it is eizier to get drrunk." Although I was almost positive I could arrange something with the handicapped prostitute that was missing a limb or two on the corner, I decided it would be less trouble for us all if he just continued to down his fruity drinks.
As this little bundle of joy proceeded to join us in our car on the way to the next club my amusement with him soon turned to annoyance. He was one of those people that started to talk increasingly more when he drank, his blabbering might as well have been all in Japanese because it was impossible to understand either way. These drunk talkers are the WORST as far as I am concerned they should all just go to one club where u can only get in if u are either a drunk talker or deaf. That way both the deaf people and the talkers get some action, and both are out of my hair. I quickly made a mental note to myself to consider this kind of club as a future business venture.
Instead of pinning it on the steady stream of alcohol he was in-taking, Homofab decided to blame this delusional blabber on his 'jet lag.' I did not appreciate him blaming his personality flaw on a condition that I have powered through many times myself. All of the sudden I decide this is no excuse and after a good 10 minutes of contained silence that i managed, i announce
"Well i have jet lag too!"
This happened to peak his curiosity,
"OOO yes? Vere did u goh??"
Surprised that he could still follow a conversation I shot back "Africa " with a steady voice.
As Jane goes into fits of laughter in the seat next to mine I equip myself for the line of questioning that was to follow while carefully sliding away from her if in case she does urinate her pants at one point. As I got out of harms way he continues,
"OOO verryy niieecee, vere zid u go in Afreeeca?"
Now in my somewhat buzzed state for some reason this question threw me for a loop. After all now thinking back I can think of at least a dozen African countries off the top of my head, however at the time I was at an utter and complete loss. And of course the first thing that comes to my mind is my 5hth grade library report that my whole class had to do on countries inAfrica . This is very clear in my mind because when other people had big and interesting countries to report on, my cunt of a librarian assigned me to Swaziland Africa . The whole country was the size of my nipple and well there wasn't much to report about. To this day I remember the fucking librarian and the dick-hole like country I had to report on. So before I could properly think it through,
"Swaziland
As Jane stops breathing at this point on my left hand side, from the front of the car I could hear the confusion and wonder in Homofab's voice. To my surprise and delight he still bought the fact that I was inAfrica but was bewildered by the fact that I chose to go to that particular country,
"Vaht vhy go toSwaziland
Annoyed that he would pry into my personal life... "Just visiting family" I quipped as Jane went into another fit.
During the rest of the ride over to the club I continued to explain that I in fact had African blood in me, while secretly planning the best way I can loose him after we get in the club. Lucky for me he realized that his chances of getting laid are decreasing by the moment so he made his way over to the bar to continue getting drunk as he planned.
As I got him off my dick for the rest of the night I was able to spend time with Jane and the circus freak show of men surrounding us. As she announced that she had to pee I was thankful that she didn't do it while laughing in the car and promptly went off to search for the bathroom. While traveling the 6 feet through the dance floor (as any women can relate to in clubs) I'm pretty sure I got groped, tickled, spanked, and possibly fingered at one point. Unfortunately, after I got everything short of anal in the middle of ZBar I still couldn't find the fucking bathroom.
After harassing the 8' tall bouncer into pointing it out I impatiently waited for Jane outside. While getting hit on by a few more jackasses, I became increasingly pissed off. Why are all the single men out there such retards? Is that really what there is in this world? Is that whats left? is that why I fall for the taken or married men? Will I ever be able to find a decent guy? Will I ever be able to pick up a random stranger from the club and fuck his brains out without him saying something completely stupid? What is this world coming to?
As I wondered whether I would just have to suck it up and fuck either the virgin guy or the complete dumb asses at the club one of these days for lack of other options... I happened to look over just in time to see the car of the last jackass that dicked me over pass by our car in a hustle to get to his second home: IHOP where he lives in order to maintain his round physique. And at this point I realized that I rather take it in the ass from the virgin while blowing one of the jackasses from the club, over seeing this schmuck again. And then it all fell into perspective. Luckily I didn't have to do either and as I cuddled with my vibrator I fell asleep and dreamed of cock and vodka: my two favorite things...
Just last night I went to get a drink with my friend Jane. Most people either pin us as sisters or lesbian lovers. However there have been a few drunk homeless men that have pinned us for both (God bless them).
This might have something do to with the fact that as a joke she's always grabbing at my tits and crotch, but whats a quick fingering between friends? Jane like all of my friends is very attractive. Seeing as I absolutely refuse to be friends with ugly people it only makes sense that my closest friends ( or people i am seen with the most) are quite pretty. After all I don't like to subjugate myself to staring at fugly people all day long. So seeing as she is easy on the eyes she constantly has a boyfriend.
So as she brings along the flavor of the week (which I approve of highly) he insisted on inviting a friend. This friend would of course be implied for me seeing as I am in current search of a good fucking. This is when my evening took an unfortunate turn.
After downing my first martini I was feeling good enjoying my night, getting sexually assaulted by Jane. All was well, and as it should be. Then all of this sudden this mystery man walks into my world, upon seeing him I know that God is testing me.
I wonder how long i can remain polite and open and friendly with someone that looks like an unintentionally devout virgin. I promptly ordered another drink and gave myself 2 1/2 minutes. This was wishful thinking considering my current record tops off at 37 seconds.
As he began to talk to me I realized that i have found my victim for the night. His new nickname was Homofab. As he began to talk , or rather than talk I'd like to call it a linguistic orgasm,I heard a slight Russian accent which was expected...what amused me was the hint of a Swedish accent mixed in there as well. It was reminiscent of Martin Short's accent in Father of the Bride but even gayer. Considering he is 100% Russian, it was quite surprising and vastly entertaining.
After he was done asking me the typical polite questions and downed his third drink, Homofab decided to ask what it was that I was sipping on. I answered "apple martini" with a sound of great adoration I only reserve for when I speak of alcoholic beverages.
Suddenly his arms flail up in a homosexual like panic and he exclaims in his retarded accent,
" OOO APPLE MARTINI! HOW SEXY!!"
I have never even heard a gay guy refer to my drink as being sexy much less a self proclaimed straight one, and after holding down my laughter by thinking of the Holocaust I bravely inquired into how a martini can be considered sexy. With his arms still resembling those of a horny chimp, he proceeded to explain..
" Vell Ya Know Zat Ven giirl drrinks ze apple martini men zink oh its like ze cosmopolitan vich iz like sex and ze city and ve rrright avay zink SEX SEX SEX!"
This train of logic partially horrified me because no man should be this sex and the city savvy, and partially because any man that looks at a woman's drink and thinks 'sex' should be automatically strip searched for roofies. And although I was having some serious doubts about Homofab's sexual preferences his constant clawing at my tits and persistence of taking pictures with me left me in a cloud of confusion. Is he gay? Is he straight? Is he Swedish? I just don't know!!!!!.
The only thing I was sure of was that he was a virgin, something that was confirmed when he later told me..
" I decided tooday zat I vill eizer get drrunk or get laid, I zink it is eizier to get drrunk." Although I was almost positive I could arrange something with the handicapped prostitute that was missing a limb or two on the corner, I decided it would be less trouble for us all if he just continued to down his fruity drinks.
As this little bundle of joy proceeded to join us in our car on the way to the next club my amusement with him soon turned to annoyance. He was one of those people that started to talk increasingly more when he drank, his blabbering might as well have been all in Japanese because it was impossible to understand either way. These drunk talkers are the WORST as far as I am concerned they should all just go to one club where u can only get in if u are either a drunk talker or deaf. That way both the deaf people and the talkers get some action, and both are out of my hair. I quickly made a mental note to myself to consider this kind of club as a future business venture.
Instead of pinning it on the steady stream of alcohol he was in-taking, Homofab decided to blame this delusional blabber on his 'jet lag.' I did not appreciate him blaming his personality flaw on a condition that I have powered through many times myself. All of the sudden I decide this is no excuse and after a good 10 minutes of contained silence that i managed, i announce
"Well i have jet lag too!"
This happened to peak his curiosity,
"OOO yes? Vere did u goh??"
Surprised that he could still follow a conversation I shot back "
As Jane goes into fits of laughter in the seat next to mine I equip myself for the line of questioning that was to follow while carefully sliding away from her if in case she does urinate her pants at one point. As I got out of harms way he continues,
"OOO verryy niieecee, vere zid u go in Afreeeca?"
Now in my somewhat buzzed state for some reason this question threw me for a loop. After all now thinking back I can think of at least a dozen African countries off the top of my head, however at the time I was at an utter and complete loss. And of course the first thing that comes to my mind is my 5hth grade library report that my whole class had to do on countries in
"
As Jane stops breathing at this point on my left hand side, from the front of the car I could hear the confusion and wonder in Homofab's voice. To my surprise and delight he still bought the fact that I was in
"Vaht vhy go to
Annoyed that he would pry into my personal life... "Just visiting family" I quipped as Jane went into another fit.
During the rest of the ride over to the club I continued to explain that I in fact had African blood in me, while secretly planning the best way I can loose him after we get in the club. Lucky for me he realized that his chances of getting laid are decreasing by the moment so he made his way over to the bar to continue getting drunk as he planned.
As I got him off my dick for the rest of the night I was able to spend time with Jane and the circus freak show of men surrounding us. As she announced that she had to pee I was thankful that she didn't do it while laughing in the car and promptly went off to search for the bathroom. While traveling the 6 feet through the dance floor (as any women can relate to in clubs) I'm pretty sure I got groped, tickled, spanked, and possibly fingered at one point. Unfortunately, after I got everything short of anal in the middle of ZBar I still couldn't find the fucking bathroom.
After harassing the 8' tall bouncer into pointing it out I impatiently waited for Jane outside. While getting hit on by a few more jackasses, I became increasingly pissed off. Why are all the single men out there such retards? Is that really what there is in this world? Is that whats left? is that why I fall for the taken or married men? Will I ever be able to find a decent guy? Will I ever be able to pick up a random stranger from the club and fuck his brains out without him saying something completely stupid? What is this world coming to?
As I wondered whether I would just have to suck it up and fuck either the virgin guy or the complete dumb asses at the club one of these days for lack of other options... I happened to look over just in time to see the car of the last jackass that dicked me over pass by our car in a hustle to get to his second home: IHOP where he lives in order to maintain his round physique. And at this point I realized that I rather take it in the ass from the virgin while blowing one of the jackasses from the club, over seeing this schmuck again. And then it all fell into perspective. Luckily I didn't have to do either and as I cuddled with my vibrator I fell asleep and dreamed of cock and vodka: my two favorite things...
